literature

How to Survive a BW Fic: II

Deviation Actions

Taratron's avatar
By
Published:
2.6K Views

Literature Text

Firstly, yes, we at Survival of the Fittest Anonymous are very well aware of the irony in the fact that we at Survival of the Fittest Anonymous have in fact broken one of our own rules. That rule is, of course, that nearly all fanfics have sequels. However, we are able to defend these horrendous allegations by this evidence:

1. How To Survive a Beasties Fic is in fact, not a fanfiction story.
a. What is, firstly, a fanfiction story? It is a tale written usually by teen or post-teen obsessive-compulsive anal-retentive freaks who pay more attention to the dangers of foot and toe fungus than they do to plot, characters, setting, grammar, and the like.

b. Seeing as 99.9999999999998% (the other percent HAVE foot and/or toe fungus, and we are expecting lawsuits from them even now) of teen and post-teens are not aware of fungus as anything other than something related vaguely to mushrooms and the desire to paint your room neon Day-Glow colors, this is a problem in the making.

c. A fanfiction story does not need plot, characters, setting, grammar, attention or lack of it to detail, or character or plot consistency, in the same way a snake does not need food, water, heat, lighting, and a potentially stupid teen owner to eat in the case it is not fed in three months.

d. That above statement was called irony. Fanfics also do not need irony, or glamour, or any sense of humor.



2. How To Survive a Beasties Fic is, in fact, a manual to offer aid to those in desperate need of it: IE, all BeastWars characters.

a. If you are a BeastWars character, please read How To Survive a Beasties Fic, and then return to read this addition. After reading this installment, proceed immediately to your nearest drug store, buy as much Valium as you can afford, and down every capsule with straight vodka, or, in more desperate situations, Clorox bleach laced with arsenic.

Without further ado, questions about sexual positions or how to make more money from this rescue venture, we at Survival of the Fittest Anonymous present How to Survive a Beasties Fic…II!






I. TransMetals: Shiny Things Are Shiny!

a. At the start of BeastWars Season Two (as several fanatics call it: The Season In Which A Lot of People Die and The Survivors Look Creepy), due to a quantum surge, several of the BeastWarriors became "TransMetallized," which falls into the same category as "Desensitized" and "Pulverized" and "Meatized." These bots include Optimus Primal, Cheetor, Megatron, Rattrap, and Tarantulas.

b. When a bot is "TransMetallized," several things happen. The first is that no matter how shiny the metal on the bot was before, as a TransMetal, it will be twice as shiny and thus need to be oiled twice as often. Shiny is good. It is, really! Polish some old coins, and see how they are shiny! Shiny is better than sex! The second thing is that no matter how hideous the pre-TransMetallized bot was, as a TransMetal, he or she will be three times as ugly. For image references, look over Optimus Primal and Cheetor as the main culprits. ……SHINY!

c. Only two bots in the show who escaped this ugly fate were Tarantulas and Megatron. Tarantulas for the fact that looking like a Legend demon is a vast improvement, and Megatron because nothing says Evil Tyrant Overlord like a shiny purple rollarskating dinosaur.

d. Being shiny, however, is not the only perk of the agonizing process known as TransMetallization. When a bot is TransMetallized, he or she gets another goodie in the form of an 'alternative mode.' Or, in the words of Generation One, a triple changer form. Thus a TransMetal bot has three forms: Beast, Bot, and Public Transport.

e. Another benefit of being a TransMetal freak who breaks every mirror in your respectful bases is an immunity to Energon overload. Seeing as the quantum surge which created TransMetallization also leveled every Energon field into shiny blue rocks safe enough for any bumbling teenager on crack to pick up, this is moot point. Of course, fanfic authors rarely use this fact. Five times out of four, then, your comrades will suffer Energon overload, and you as a TransMetal will be free to poke them and chant: Nyah nyah nyah nyah!

f. If you are a TransMetal now, rest assured that you are nowhere near as hideous as Optimus Primal. There are even now web sites dedicated to prove that Optimus Primal TransMetal is not, in fact, Optimus Primal TransMetal. He is really Michael Jackson. If you have discovered this for a fact, please be wary for your own health if no one else's. And if you ARE Optimus Primal Transmetal…watch out, Jacko!

g. TransMetals are usually a call that your said fic in question takes place in Season Two: The BeastWarriors Battle Jacko. However, as plot continuity is not something we can expect from people who spell 'Predacon' as 'Predicon' or make Waspinator the equivalent of a rabbit in sexual behavior, this is not a fact. TransMetals are really nothing more than a venture by Hasbro to make more money peddling repaints with SHINY paint as opposed to pink (see Toys: Dinobot for details), and in fics in question, they usually are nothing more than, again, shiny. Shiny is good.

h. As Megatron said and can thus be quoted: "New packaging, same product. Losers."




II. Where In The World Is Beasties SanDiego?: Donde The Freak Estas?

a. One of the many pleasures of being a pawn in the grips of a teenage pimply-face wannabe writer who croons to the Spice Girls or Hanson but pretends to be in love with the Verve Pipe or Dead Puppies On Fire bands is trying to figure out your location. If your God has placed you in the same continuity (with, as always, a few dozen minor changes…like now Dinobot wears a skirt) as the show, you are on Ancient Earth.

b. Chances are, however, your author has chosen to place you and your fellow guinea pigs on another world that seems a lot like Earth (IE: the same landscapes, wildlife, and even national monuments) but is in fact not. Here is a simple guideline to determine whether or not you are indeed stranded on Ancient Earth, as opposed to Ancient Saturn or Ancient Tennessee:
      1. Do you see the Sphinx?
      2. Do you see the Rocky Mountains?
      3. Do you call them the Rocky Mountains (and they are)?
      4. Do you see the Pyramids?
      5. Do you see Stonehenge?
      6. Do you know what all the above are and have correctly identified them?
      7. Do you see Bob Dole in his protohuman infancy?
      8. Do you see dinosaurs?
      9. Do you see protohumans that could not, for example, evolve to fish or chimpanzees or possibly more protohumans?
      10. Do you see the Ark or the Nemesis?

c. If you answered 'yes' to more than nine of the above questions, you are on Ancient Earth.

d. Welcome to Ancient Earth, the Place Where Humans Come From As Opposed to Human Ovaries. Please do enjoy your stay, and do not, for example, destroy the human race as a way to practice your sharpshooting skills. Please do not step on the grass. Please do not feed the bears. Please do not read these warnings, you twit.

e. Nine times out of eight, since you are on Ancient Earth and thus a place important to Cybertron, home to robots twenty feet tall, who can fly and carry nukes in their pockets, you will find the above items in your search for your location. Finding the Ark or the Nemesis is a pretty good idea that you are on Ancient Earth. If this Ancient Earth is technically from YOUR past and not, say, a past of a parallax universe where Rodimus is not a total dink, and there is sadly no way to test this, take special care not to disturb the past too much.

f. Of course, by way of time travel, if you HAVE landed in your technical past, nothing you do can mess up the future (your present time) due to the law of time travel. As in, anything that has happened in the past will always happen in the past, and if a person from the future gets trapped in the past, he surely was meant to and is now part of the past. Hence anything you DO, from shooting Cheetor to killing all the humans (they are crunchy and taste good with ketchup, after all) in the past has technically already happened and has happened as you just did in order for your future to take place as it has. That's all the reason and reality you will ever get from these manuals. Please make a note.

g. Another popular place for Beasties fics to take place at is Cybertron, otherwise known as the HomeWorld, or It Was Never Organic, Damnit! Cybertron, Mars, The Planet of Hot Chicks, The Planet of Hot Dudes, The Planet of Human Transformers, and Earth Before Or After Ancient Times are author favorite locals.

h. Current Earth (IE: where your fic author is writing from) is another favorite place. If you are ever forced to end up on and in Current Earth, be advised that you will lose 99.99999999999716% of your true character and usually end up playing the guitar or having wild romps on Halloween. Beware of strangers who offer candy, sexual acts, or pornography. It is true that strangers have the best candy, but nine out of ten strangers is an undercover cop.




III. G1 Facts and Fiction: That 80's Animation Rules!

a. G1, as it is usually called by fanfic authors, fanatic fans, writers of the 80's, children of the 80's, political prisoners of the late 80's, and people who cannot remember their mother's birthday much less first name, is also known as Generation One of Transformers.

b. Generation One was the first ever published version of Transformers. As such, the animation was a little more than shadow puppets with track lighting.

c. Some famous G1 Transformers:
      1. Optimus Prime: the guy who turned into a semi and always lost his trailer. His legacy is Optimus Primal.
      2. Rodimus Prime: Optimus Prime in red and gold tones.
      3. Brawn: the dude with the bad shoulder.
      4. Ironhide: the genius Autobot.
      5. Bumblebee: anyone with the name of an insect deserves to die.
      6. Jazz: Ronald Reagan.
      7. Arcee: the Autobot bicycle.
      8. Elita-1: the very very pink female Autobot. Why pink? It is never explained. Her legacy is the Dinobot toy.
      9. Megatron: no, not the purple roller-skating one. This one was big, white, and turned into a gun other Transformers could handle. He also had a bucket head and relations with an inanimate object.
      10. Soundwave: the other name of the Predacon ship.
      11. Starscream: the First Traitor. He had an afro and tended to scream a lot. Otherwise, was a great target.
      12. Grimlock: the First Dinobot. Really.
      13. Wheelie: the Bringer of the Apocalypse.
      14. Ravage: the panther who was Russian in BeastWars.
      15. Tracks: the 'don't ask don't tell' Transformer. Can YOU guess?
      16. Wheeljack: he of the funny head and glowing ears. His claim to fame is constructing the Dinobots, which is like calling the creation of cat poison in cat food a fame. His legacy is Rhinox.

d. Most BeastWars authors were not alive at the time of G1. Hence most of them will never use any of the above characters. Researching the past, to your common fic writer, is as necessary as cleaning the toilet: someone else will do it when it turns brown and gunky and people dive in to commit suicide there.

e. However, never assume that a G1 character will not appear. Even if your author has vaguely heard that there were Transformers before BeastWars, they will never research any of them, will often make some up for their own needs (now introducing: Wheeljackwavebee!), or totally twist any character they do choose to input. Not much different from your dilemma, is it?



IV. Making Babies: Where Are We Going, And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

a. In How To Survive a Beasties Fic, it was documented that the three genders of Warriors are male, female, and confused. Adding to this humanity's love for the sins of the flesh, the word 'reproduction' takes on a whole new meaning.

b. There are several schools of thought on Transformer reproduction. Some schools urge the idea that Transformers are really just large metal humans, with similar sex organs and similar functions, often with the suffixes: tron, or bot, added on to make it more robotic. Other schools are listed here:
      1. The School of Organic Desires: this school believes that upon taking beast modes as alternate modes, rather than a car, in which case you would love car washes and Super Grade Unleaded, you enjoy the organic urges of your beast mode. Organic urges can include using the bathroom, eating odd things at all hours of the day, digging holes through the metal floors, gnawing on furniture, and marking territory by oil spilling in certain areas. Oh, and sex. Of course.
      2. The School Of What The Hell?: this school believes that Transformers do have sexual organs, but in very normal places, such as on the shoulder or the palm, even on the bottom of the foot. Merely a light brush, one that would not knock off a loose bluebell from its stem, is enough to 'have sex' between these two unfortunate persons.
      3. The School of Sparks: this school believes that sparks (which are thought to be electrical impulses, much like whatever drives a human mind to insanity) can merge and create a new spark. Kind of like adding lemon and meringue, and ending up with a tasty pie treat.
      4. The School of Vector Sigma: this school believes that Vector Sigma, a giant Supercomputer thingie on Cybertron, creates new sparks. How it does this, no one quite knows, just as no one knows where all those lost socks end up. Does the dryer actually eat them, or merely chew, and not digest?
      5. The School of Pimps: this school has the easiest time proving its theories that some (IE: four) BeastWars males will have children by use of fanfics as evidence. These four are called pimps, and if you are one of these four, you will know by the fact of up to one hundred people calling you Daddy and asking to borrow the car on Saturday night. The first of these four is Dinobot. Who knew?

c. Birth: see Schools of Thought. As for the actual act, we are not touching this one with a twenty foot pole. Ask the future mom. Then run.

d. Babies are what happens after sex. You may have anywhere from two hours to two fics before realizing you will have a baby in the next paragraph. Gestation time is optional.

e. What is a baby? To use an analogy: take an innocent kitten, and add to it the following:
      1. Waspinator's buzzing.
      2. Rattrap's language.
      3. Cheetor's attention span.
      4. Terrorsaur's voice.
      5. Airazor's personality.
      6. Megatron's speech impediments.
      7. A mixture of beast modes between both parents and Bob Skir.
      8. Optimus Primal's many faces.

f. Some babies are created in the war and appear as mature adults. These babies should be sought after quickly, as most babies are just that (see above). Although BeastWarriors do not seem to use lavatorial facilities, most babies will have diapers. It's a human thing. Try to ignore it, and if you can not, please try harder.

g. With babies comes babysitting, as the responsible parents will want nothing to do with their infant or hopefully each other again. As such, if you are the most likely of bots (IE: hate kids), you will be the babysitter and can usually teach the lovable tyke how to curse, swear, or otherwise shock its parents or other adults. In other words, if you are Megatron, Dinobot, Tarantulas, or Rattrap, you will be watching a baby. Have fun and see how many sharp objects you can make it eat.

h. In short, with babies, the best thing to do with them is not make them. Of course, every author at some point will want babies in their series. Making them, or rather, having two abused characters make them, is the easiest, cutest, and most NC-17 way to do it.



V. We Lied: There Is No Number Five. Teeheehee.



VI. Alien Artifacts: Oooooo, A Toaster That Toasts Both Sides!

a. Regardless of the fact that many planets show no signs of life, intelligent, edible, or otherwise, it is perfectly possible for you to find signs that there was once intelligent, and possibly edible, life forms present. And not only might they have been edible, they have left you many presents, often in the forms of lethal traps! Fun for the family, and of course, there is always more.

b. The television show, which was based on Ancient Earth, had several alien artifacts. These included the Standing Stones, the Alien Suck-Up Ship, the Floating Island One, the Floating Island Two, the Sphinx, and Barb's All Nite Takeaway. Thursdays are 'All You Can Eat for a Buck.'

c. If you are on Ancient Earth (see above: Where In The World Is Beasties SanDiego?), you will surely find the above, and more artifacts.
d. But, you ask, how can we tell if this artifact is, in fact, made by an alien life form? Ah, glad you asked:
      1. Does the artifact deny description, save perhaps "shiny," or "big," or "It ate Optimus!"?
      2. Can the artifact be accurately described as a 'thingie?'
      3. Does it float?
      4. Does it sink?
      5. Can you see your reflection in it?
      6. Does it suck people into it by use of veins, cords, or suction cups?
      7. Does it talk?
      8. If shot at, does it take the shot, eat it, or ignore the shot, or shoot you back?

e. There is a difference between a live animal and an alien artifact, so do check with your crew's biologist before leaping to the logic that this is indeed a thingie of great power. Thingies of great power do not include grasshoppers, lawn mowers, and rings of toadstools.

f. All right, so it IS a thingie of great power. Now, what do to with it? The answer is: nothing. Yes, that's right. Ignore the fact it exists, but mark that sector off-limits anyway. Unless you are the captain of the ship, in which case you send crew members you don't like there. Insure you disconnect their ComLinks before they leave; otherwise, the pansies will call for help. We can't have that.

g. In concurrence, there may indeed be a Primus, and there may be no artifacts that you can see right now. This does not matter. Even if you and your faction has covered every inch of water, land, air, and the like, sooner or later an artifact will pop up. In this case, the best thing to do is blame Rattrap and/or Waspinator. They are idiots, let them deal with it.

h. In short, leave these great grand thingies of power ALONE. Anything you do with an alien artifact can get you shot, killed, dismembered, electrified, cursed, plagued, bleached, or even TransMetallized. Anything you do includes doing nothing.



VII. Landlords: I Thought YOU Were Paying The Water Bill!

a. Unless the world you are on is Cybertron, it does not belong to you. Loosely translated, this means you have no mortgage to pay. However, utilities are not free either.

b. If the world you are on is Cybertron, you will have utilities, a mortgage, broker insurance, house insurance, fire insurance, college insurance, and insurance for all of the insurances above.

c. As most fics take place on other worlds, we shall concern ourselves with those unlucky bastards. A few landlords of ungodly power include:

      1. Free. Her favorite form (yes, she does have multiple ones, like a psychotic caterpillar) is human, which is not easy to understand, as humans have no special powers, speed, intelligence, or any positive traits. She seems to have a Peter Pan love of breaking and entering into people's homes, can go invisible, and is backed by a huge governmental body of landlords and rentees. She would be a fairly difficult person to deal with, save Dinobot shot her and she lost her powers. Go Dinobot. You rule.

      2. Polygon. He used to be human, but through mounds of pseudo-science, somehow became the living planet he currently is. Kinda like Unicron, only not as cool. He has a 'magic cavern,' and we are not touching that one with a thirty foot pole, but apparently he once captured a few BeastWarriors and put them on trial for crimes against the state of Polygon. That is what HAPPENS when you forget to pay the rent.

      3. The Vok. The all powerful, all knowing, all perfect species that has ever been and will ever be. On the other hand, they couldn't even take care of two measly factions on one of their play-toy worlds, even through use of direct destruction via a Death Moon. Not a Death Star. George Lucas can sense a Disturbance in the Copyright. They also have this thing for glowing hermaphrodite hybrids and Halloween masks. On a few noted occasions, they have also been known to clone fanfic authors (as proof of their everlasting stupidity), impersonate Bill Clinton, kidnap cats, and keep the Halloween costume business in season all year-round. Not bad for the highest form of evolved masks.

      4. Felien. Not really a landlord, but an extension of the Vok. But she has her own planet and appears to be some breed of Cupid child, as well as a Vok child, leading to a new discussion about alien sex and alien genetics. Prone to leaving paper notes on stones, and rocking important timelines like a cashbah. Otherwise, your normal Vok-Cupid mutant. We TOLD you they had a thing for hybrids!

d. The best thing to do with your landlord is beg for mercy. That and always pay your bills on time, keep the radio down, and don't mess with any of his/her artifacts. What is a cool death-machine to you may well be a normal yard ornament for them. As such, the best rule of thumb is: DON'T PISS THEM OFF.




VIII. Interacting with the Locals

a. No matter what planet you are on, there will be 'people' you have to interact with. We say 'people,' because these can include humans, Transformers, human Transformers, dragons, elves, Santa Claus, Satan Claus, archangels, tree stumps, mushrooms, Waspinator, and dirt. The level of interaction varies per 'person.'

b. There are many methods to interacting with the locals of your planet. Please use discretion, and shoot to kill.

      1. Speaking Nicely. Ten times out of nine the locals won't speak your language. The best way to communicate with them, then, is to repeat yourself slowly and very loudly until the stupid foreigners get the idea. Repeat very loudly if they bring out weapons.

      2. Not Speaking Nicely. This includes insults, curse words, Yo Momma jokes, and speaking too loudly.

      3. Gestures. What is speaking without flailing parts of your body? Try not to hit the locals, as (1), you are a huge metal robot and (2) chances are they are not. That is why organics ARE called squishies, after all.

      4. Smiling. Nothing says "Hi!" like a huge metal grin from a cold, unfeeling robot. Smile away!

      5. Games To Play. Often talking with the stupid natives gets dull. So games are a great way to elevate the good feelings of everyone included. Some very popular games include: Shooting the Natives, Playing Basketball WITH the Natives, Using the Natives As Slaves, Using the Natives As Shields In Battle, Dominos with the Natives, Dissection 101 with the Natives, and Becoming a Divine Power and Ruling Over the Natives. Some games can be played together.

      6. Social Intercourse. Keep in mind that you are a huge robot of immense power, and usually the natives have yet to conquer making fire and are usually organic. So refrain from sitting on them or demanding a horsey-back ride. Unless you're into that sort of thing, and more power to you for accepting who and what you are.

c. Getting along with the locals is usually a thing you are forced to do, because most native species to whatever planet you are trapped on are boring, dull, or trapped in a dull and boring war that has spanned for centuries and started when Uncle Rodney Insulted Our Nev.

d. Quite frankly, 99% of all Native Life you meet will be stupid, ignorant masses of people who believe the world is flat (unless of course, the world is the Discworld, in which case it should be flat!). Honestly, you will save yourself a lot of pain in the long run if you land on a deserted, sterile planet. If you don't have such luck, take whatever lush and life-filled planet you are on, and make it so.




So there you have it, folks and Warriors! May this guide continue to help you and yours survive whatever kinds of Hell teenage "writers" deem themselves able to write. Be it lava-filling bases or your planet collapsing from the weight of baby sparks, we at Survival of the Fittest will be here! Look for our Third Edition: Give Up Hope, You're Going To Suffer and Die! soon!

Oh, and if you're a fic writer…you're one SICK SOB.

…we like you. We do.
Because despite the show being gone for years now, someone needs to think of the BeastWarriors.
© 2007 - 2024 Taratron
Comments0
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In